I've Been Raptured by the Rapture, Bitches!!!!

You know what pisses me off about the Rapture? Everything! Every civilization that has had a religion based on fear has had prophecies about the end of the world and whether or not they would be around to experience it. To me this Rapture hoopla is just an expansion of what irritates me about religion: claiming to have some inside knowledge on something unknown and building one's life and death around it.

The amazing thing about people's willingness to get led like sheep into the fold of someone's divine prophecies is that if they were even halfway familiar with the Bible, they would know it says (loosely quoted) 'we do not know the day nor the hour' and 'do not put your faith in false prophets'. That's just info I remember from having the Bible thrown in my face for my entire upbringing. People are so ignorant of their own religion that they are killing themselves or giving away their entire savings to a cult leader.

I had joked that the rapture really DID happen on May 21st. That was before Camping turned around and said 'Oh, it was a spiritual judgment.' My reason... there is not a good person on this earth... THAT'S why no one was raptured! HA! And he can't go ahead and reclaim October 21st as the new date b/c that's the date he originally said the Earth would destroy all of us sinners! So guess what Camping, that means YOU!! mwahahahah

I mean, how can anyone be so blind as to put their faith in this man? False prediction in 1994 and another now. He really is an amazing creature, if you think about it. He can actually fool people into believing he is able to understand religious texts that have been translated numerous times and outsmart the Creator, who says IN THE TEXT, that man cannot divine the date. Really, I'm about ready to create my own cult. Seems pretty lucrative!

And as far as the date of destruction that the Mayan calander predicts... I think they just were lazy and were like, 'Okay enough with this calander crap. We probably won't be around anyway b/c white people will have killed us all.'

What does it matter if the supposed 'Rapture' or end of the world comes in five minutes, five days, five years or five centuries from now? We as humans can only do so much to convince ourselves that we have done all we can to ascend to a higher level if and when the time comes.

And me... my cult is gonna have dance parties. And glow sticks. And yes, Captain Morgan. And an all you can eat buffet. So suck it Harold Camping, my Rapture is gonna be better than yours! Heading to the Dance Party in the Sky.... leaving behind the 'faithfools' (phrase of my creation, indeedery doo!)

                     
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Holey Moley!

Wow, I somehow let 10 months go by without having anything funny to write for this blog. That's a sad and pathetic life, right there!

The past few days, I've been a bit restless. One might even say 'bored', but only if one recognizes the true definition of boredom: 'When you have a million things to do, but no motivation to choose one to begin'. Or at least that's how I see it. I DO have plenty to do. So much so that I even created a list of it while I was 'bored'. There's something intrinsically wrong with working on something of your own choosing. Something that has no deadline, no ties to your responsibilities to society. Dang, school has ruined me forever! It's like, I'm on constant floating-along mode. Maybe when I'm 85, I'll start to buckle down and get things done ;)

Well, since I feel the pressure to be witty on my 'Blood Sugar Comedy' blog, let me ask a question that allows some feedback (that has really no logic, does it?).

What happened to the days of cool descriptive names? Like Alexander the Great, Vlad the Impaler or William the Flatulant? ;) What would your name be?

I'm almost sure mine could be the latter. Sorry, just have to admit my humanity there. But could also be Danielle the Demanding, Danielle the Easily Irritable, Danielle the Malnourished, Danielle the Odd. Oh, I could go on and on. And I suppose I should, for the aim of being funny, but I'm afraid the joke might go stale long before then.

Here's another question... Did God realllly give the Catholic Church the authority to add footnotes to the Ten Commandments? Case in point: "Thou Shall Not Kill."  Pretty sure that the Catechism of the Catholic Church says you are allowed to kill for your country. Bull.shit. I've always had a problem with that, when I was still forced to go to Church. It seemed that technically every Christian person should NOT be allowed to go to war BECAUSE of their religion. Gee, how convenient that the Church somehow okayed changing the Ten Commandments. I mean, how else could we  they rid the 'Holy Land' of the Infidels? Cuz, you know, the rest of this Earth isn't Holy by defacto in that it was all created by the same Spirit in the Sky. I mean, why should we protect this Earth when we have fossil fuels to mine and nuclear waste to create? Blah.

If you can't tell, I have major problems with 'organized' religion. I really dislike when my parents tell me I'm going to hell. All I did was wake up from a nap/watching Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure when my parents came home from Church to hear "I didn't bring you kids into this world so you could go to hell!"  But, Mom, this is one of your favorite movies too!! Oh, you mean cuz I don't go to Mass? So, I'm going to hell with murderers and rapists? Oh, okay. Yeah, your religion sounds fun. Just wandering around and condemning people to hell. Oy vey.

How about some non-religion-bashing comedy... Hmmm, what do I have? Well, there are actually quite a few things I would looooove to bitch about but can't b/c those people really exist and can find the stuff on the interwebs. Not that my mother doesn't exist and can't find the above rant, but that IS an actual quote from her. She will deny that she actually told me that I AM going to hell, because she 'didn't say that!'. Her logic is the kind that proves she is ALWAYS correct. Some would say that is b/c she is a woman and that is the only kind of logic a woman employs. I have nothing to say to that. ;) Don't think I'm a terrible woman b/c I don't 'stick up' for us against stereotypes. I see some truth sometimes in stereotypes and I can laugh at them. If you can't, you have a 'stick up' your *cough cough*.

Here's a rant about driving.... Why am I the ONLY person going the speed limit? Oh yeah, cuz I've had enough run ins with the law and realize accidents DO happen when you are being careless. And I value my life enough to leave the proper following distance (or best I can) between my car and the vehicle in front of me. Really, humans are speeding towards their own death and destruction b/c they are in such a hurry and want to play Nascar. STOP IT! I don't care if you want to die, but don't take me down with you!

Also, go to http://www.paleisthenewtan.com/ and tell me if you are attracted to those people. It's disgusting. I'm pale and proud. Bitches. B/c being pale and intentionally staying that way by proper application of sunblock means I'm A) less likely to die of skin cancer B) won't look like a orange or brown freakball. So I win. And you look like a horse. For real...

This is a palomino horse:
 
It is the only place in nature that you will see the color combination of dark skin and blonde hair that so many misguided young women try to pull off. Like this:

Really. W.T.F. It's disgusting. It's like a perverse way of saying "Ooops, sorry Black people for opressing you all these years. We already stole your music thanks to Elvis Presley. Now we're gonna steal your skin color too!"

FAIL!!!!!! You were never meant to be that dark, you idiot!!!
 
And then you have the rest of the 'dark world' trying to undergo skin lightening techniques so they can meet the supposed pale beauty ideal that is ever present in so many cultures due to Westerinzation.

STOP IT, people! Why are we so discontent to just be ourselves? I can't be everyone else, so just rock what you got and I'll do what I can with what I have.

The other thing that bugs me is people's obsession with age. On my most recent bday, I just turned 26, and unprovoked everyone at work was like "Oh you're so young."  Um, I never said otherwise. My boss who is 40 and in denial constantly freaks out about how old people thinks she looks. She happens to be Japanese and looks fine. But really people, the way I see it is, you have two options: 1) Get older or 2) Die. So stop bitching. I mean, sure, it's normal to reach a point where you see kids at the bar and say to yourself that they can't be old enough to be drinking, but to get to the point where you are obsessed and injecting crap into your face? What's the point? Pretty soon, the Catholic Church is going to have to take out 'preservation after death' as one of the indications for sainthood, b/c people are gonna be well-preserved with all this junk injected into their body.

But what would I know? I mean, I'm going to hell anyway, so maybe I'll wait to get my tan there. ;)

PEACE. OUT!