1) I dreamt about the devil last night. Hate when that happens. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to bed so early. That's all I can blame it on, since I didn't have any booze before bed. Although I did have liquid Mucinex.
2) I'm thrilled. My younger brother will now be keeping a blog. Not only does he live across the hall AND I can see his facebook updates, I can now read his mind... er... blog. MWAHAHAHHAHAHA
3) Festivus is soon!
4) I'd write more but I'm in an invisible unofficial competition to make my co-worker look bad. Well, she does that all on her own performance wise, but I want to make it more evident to the management that mistakenly hired her and kept her around. HUZZAH!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Silly Moments in My Life
The other night, I was dreaming about drag queens giving etiquette classes and Native Amercians overposting on facebook about the End of the World, when I was awoken by the doorbell. I woke up and since I didn't hear my parents stirring in their room, I pretended that it was imagined or that it was just someone looking for trouble. The doorbell rang again and I wondered if it was my younger brother. My mom is convinced that Friday is the night he stays at a friend's house, so she locked the deadbolt and set the alarm. I looked at my cell phone to see if he might have texted me. 2:08 am. And right then he called. So I groggily told him to stop yapping at me about our mom locking him out of the house. I turned off the alarm and unlocked the door.... so that my brother, dressed as Speed Racer could come into the house. Yes, that's right. My dreams of drag queens and the end of the world were interrupted so that I could let Speed Racer into the house.
This is my life, in what my brother has dubbed "Childhood 2.0" in which a 26 year old gal comes home to live with her 20 year old brother and drive their parents crazy with burping, farting and loads of inappropriate jokes. I do enjoy this phase of my life because although my parents are disgusted with our behavior, they can't really ground me... I already spend ALL of my home time in my room, so I have kind of grounded myself. And I happen to be reading these awesome books in as series for teenage girls, Confessions of Georgia Nicolson, by Louise Rennison. I know I'm not 14 but these books AND living at home help me travel back to being a whiny, self-absorbed girl living at home. And I like it! Although I would like it more perhaps if my British accent were more authentic but I do get loads of practice!
If I had any other stories to share, I would, but my parents get kind of weird about this whole internet thing. Because what I find to be hilarious, they deem inappropriate. My mom said our behavior was unbecoming of 'a young man and a young lady' which made my brother and I laugh. I'm pretty sure we weren't brought to this world to act 'appropriately'. Which may or may not mean that we are aliens. ;)
This is my life, in what my brother has dubbed "Childhood 2.0" in which a 26 year old gal comes home to live with her 20 year old brother and drive their parents crazy with burping, farting and loads of inappropriate jokes. I do enjoy this phase of my life because although my parents are disgusted with our behavior, they can't really ground me... I already spend ALL of my home time in my room, so I have kind of grounded myself. And I happen to be reading these awesome books in as series for teenage girls, Confessions of Georgia Nicolson, by Louise Rennison. I know I'm not 14 but these books AND living at home help me travel back to being a whiny, self-absorbed girl living at home. And I like it! Although I would like it more perhaps if my British accent were more authentic but I do get loads of practice!
If I had any other stories to share, I would, but my parents get kind of weird about this whole internet thing. Because what I find to be hilarious, they deem inappropriate. My mom said our behavior was unbecoming of 'a young man and a young lady' which made my brother and I laugh. I'm pretty sure we weren't brought to this world to act 'appropriately'. Which may or may not mean that we are aliens. ;)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Norwegian Troll and Community
For those of you who know me, you will know I am in love with the show Community, now on Season 3 on the telly. For those of you who watch it as religiously as I, you also know that it recently aired the most clever episode ever: Remedial Chaos Theory, airdate 10/13/2011... available for a limited time here.
I will now proceed to spoil the episode for those of you that haven't seen it, complete with screenshots of the Traditional Norwegian Troll and the chaos it induces. Let's just say, I created a bunch of screenshots and plastered them all over my dear unsuspecting friend's facebook wall on a Friday night when she wouldn't see it coming. In fact, she may still not know as I have yet to hear from her. Either that or she is no longer my friend. Or maybe the troll got her. But anyway, here are the screenshots to share with you!
P.S. I think this episode may have been more clever than the paintball episodes and I loved those mucho. Okays, enjoy!!
Okay, so I hope you enjoy the pictures, which you might, even if you are clueless but which you most definitely will if you are a fan of the show.
While you are here, please feel free to read other blog entries AND check out my other blogs that have to do with travel, movies and living a childfree life! (which consequently leaves more time for blogging about said topics!) ;) Peace!
I will now proceed to spoil the episode for those of you that haven't seen it, complete with screenshots of the Traditional Norwegian Troll and the chaos it induces. Let's just say, I created a bunch of screenshots and plastered them all over my dear unsuspecting friend's facebook wall on a Friday night when she wouldn't see it coming. In fact, she may still not know as I have yet to hear from her. Either that or she is no longer my friend. Or maybe the troll got her. But anyway, here are the screenshots to share with you!
P.S. I think this episode may have been more clever than the paintball episodes and I loved those mucho. Okays, enjoy!!
 |
| The Traditional Norwegian Troll is introduced |
 |
| Jeff Winger, confused by said Traditional Norwegian Troll |
 |
| Pierce taunting Troy with the troll |
 |
| Pierce keeping Troy at bay with the Troy while Abed watches |
 |
| The Chaos.... |
 |
| ....caused by the troll |
 |
| The very evil Traditional Norwegian Troll |
 |
| Traditional Norwegian Troll wants to play video games |
 |
| Evil Abed (as opposed to generally altruistic Abed) |
 |
| Evil Troy and Evil Abed (notice Troy's voicebox) |
 |
| Evil Troy and Evil Abed handshake |
While you are here, please feel free to read other blog entries AND check out my other blogs that have to do with travel, movies and living a childfree life! (which consequently leaves more time for blogging about said topics!) ;) Peace!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Adventures of a White Girl in North O
Every city has 'that part' of town where the white middle class and upper crust dare not tread, especially after dark. In my town, that's North O.
Up until getting a part time job at a community college in North O a few years ago, the most I'd been was a few trips during high school. One was for a classmate's mother's funeral (during the day time and at a Church: no problems), to get some corn rows put in by a classmate for prom (I got hopelessly lost and had to wait in my car at a gas station for her to come drive and find me) and I believe for that same friend's graduation party (where my car-companion insisted we lock the doors and roll up the windows, which made me roll my eyes).
Truthfully, anytime I have to drive through North O, or be outside of my car, say at a gas station, it's accompanied by the false bravado and swagger that is supposed to ward off unwanted interactions with people that could kick my butt with merely a glance. My body language is trying to say "Yeah, I may look like a chickenshit little white girl, but don't you mess with me cuz I'm hood, yo, and I don't take crap from no one!"
I know I'm not fooling anyone (especially not in my VW) and I might as well wear a shirt that says, "I know I don't belong here, but I won't be here for long!" And I generally am not there for long. The community college at which I work is two blocks off the Interstate so I usually get in and get out without much problem.
Sure there was one time early Saturday morning when I had to take a detour on my way to work because somebody shot someone else from their car at a red light. Seriously? Nothing better to do at 6:30 a.m on a Saturday? Like sleeping?! That was a sucky start to someone's Saturday!
And I sometimes have to take a long drive down 30th street to get to Downtown or Dundee for whatever reason. So, I usually just drive the speed limit and be like 'What'.
So yesterday, minutes before I would get off the Interstate to work in North O, my gas light buzzed at me. Aw, shit. And I had thought I'd have enough juice to make it to work and home. Well, I sure as hell was NOT gonna wait till after work and try to pump gas in North O at night! I may walk with false bravado during the day but I'm not stupid enough to set foot outside of my car at night! (This actually applies to any part of town... I try to not go to grocery stores or anywhere at night anymore. Let's pretend it's because of vampires more-so than the aimless gun-toting youth of the world.)
Okay, I knew where a gas station close to campus is and I've filled up there before. I ended up having to wait for someone else to move before I could back my car into the spot, all professional like. Damn, they changed it to pre-pay inside the store only? I guess even the people in North O don't trust each other. I grab my purse and start to head into the store, but dammit it's 5 people deep at the register. Shit, I don't have time for this. (1- I gotta be at work and 2-The more time I spend in North O, the longer I have to keep up my false bravado and pray no one hassles me... true story.)
So I drive around the block, hoping to find a gas station that isn't pre-pay. I end up at the gas station across the street from the first one and of course, it's pre-pay. Truth be told, the pre-pay thing scares me just as much as being in North O because I've never had to pre-pay. Foreign concept.
So I decide, fine, I'll just put $10 in the tank which is only 2 gallons, but a) I don't have so much time and b) it would look presumptuous/bad strategy of me to be like "Forty dollars on Pump #4. Oh yes, I have plenty of money. You want some?"
So, yet again, I grab my stuff. As I go inside, a big black guy (with boobs slightly larger than mine) gets out of his suburban parked in front of the door and we make eye contact. I don't remember who said hi first, but he let me get to the door first and I held it open for him. I went to the register at the left and he wandered elsewhere in the store saying "That girl has some manners." I laughed and replied, "I try." Then he said something about coming around to see him if I'm ever in the area. Great, do I have 'tease the whitey' tattooed on my forehead?! (Actually, I think I might. This kinda stuff happens a lot.)
I laughed nervously and tried to make it closer to the counter where the cashier was helping someone. He looked up at me and laughed at the guy. The patron being helped looked at me funny for standing right next to him. He left and I got to the counter and ordered $10 for pump four and gave my card to Mr Cashier with the long Coke Nails. Eeeks!
Now, Cokey the Cashier looked like he swiped my card twice and I'm praying that it was because the first swipe didn't go through, not because he decided to use a card reader on me. (right before I left the house, my mom had just had a fraud-scare with my grandma's card, but it was just my uncle accidentally using it, so I had fraud on the brain) Cokey gave me a copy to sign and another receipt to keep. The copy I signed seemed thick, so I wasn't sure if it was a carbon copy, but no, so I mumbled something about it and figured it out and left. Yeah, acting crazy is usually a good way to avoid conflict.
So, back to my car to fill up until I reached my $10 limit and I was on my way to work. I successfully made it through my first gas station pre-pay transaction in a 'scary' part of town and interacted with coke-heads and big-breasted black men who liked my good manners.
I'm sorry to disappoint if you were hoping for a bigger North O adventure, but my frail little heart can only take so much. I do hope that's as exciting as I get to experience. And I hope my new friends are having a good day, crack not included.
*Disclaimer: If any of you are offended that I didn't show North O in a more positive light... uh, I didn't show it in a negative light either. I just told what happened... which honestly wasn't much beyond a semi-scared little white girl in a place she's not used to. Same would happen here:
Up until getting a part time job at a community college in North O a few years ago, the most I'd been was a few trips during high school. One was for a classmate's mother's funeral (during the day time and at a Church: no problems), to get some corn rows put in by a classmate for prom (I got hopelessly lost and had to wait in my car at a gas station for her to come drive and find me) and I believe for that same friend's graduation party (where my car-companion insisted we lock the doors and roll up the windows, which made me roll my eyes).
Truthfully, anytime I have to drive through North O, or be outside of my car, say at a gas station, it's accompanied by the false bravado and swagger that is supposed to ward off unwanted interactions with people that could kick my butt with merely a glance. My body language is trying to say "Yeah, I may look like a chickenshit little white girl, but don't you mess with me cuz I'm hood, yo, and I don't take crap from no one!"
 |
| Actually this shirt would be great! ;) |
Sure there was one time early Saturday morning when I had to take a detour on my way to work because somebody shot someone else from their car at a red light. Seriously? Nothing better to do at 6:30 a.m on a Saturday? Like sleeping?! That was a sucky start to someone's Saturday!
And I sometimes have to take a long drive down 30th street to get to Downtown or Dundee for whatever reason. So, I usually just drive the speed limit and be like 'What'.
 |
| That is NOT me. This is her But we both be like 'What.' |
Okay, I knew where a gas station close to campus is and I've filled up there before. I ended up having to wait for someone else to move before I could back my car into the spot, all professional like. Damn, they changed it to pre-pay inside the store only? I guess even the people in North O don't trust each other. I grab my purse and start to head into the store, but dammit it's 5 people deep at the register. Shit, I don't have time for this. (1- I gotta be at work and 2-The more time I spend in North O, the longer I have to keep up my false bravado and pray no one hassles me... true story.)
So I drive around the block, hoping to find a gas station that isn't pre-pay. I end up at the gas station across the street from the first one and of course, it's pre-pay. Truth be told, the pre-pay thing scares me just as much as being in North O because I've never had to pre-pay. Foreign concept.
So I decide, fine, I'll just put $10 in the tank which is only 2 gallons, but a) I don't have so much time and b) it would look presumptuous/bad strategy of me to be like "Forty dollars on Pump #4. Oh yes, I have plenty of money. You want some?"
 |
| Yes, just take what you need. Actually I don't carry cash in my wallet much, unless you count the 100 Rupees, which is like $2 USD. True story. |
I laughed nervously and tried to make it closer to the counter where the cashier was helping someone. He looked up at me and laughed at the guy. The patron being helped looked at me funny for standing right next to him. He left and I got to the counter and ordered $10 for pump four and gave my card to Mr Cashier with the long Coke Nails. Eeeks!
 |
| Not the actual cashier, nor an accurate representation of the nails, but you have no idea how hard (or disturbing) it is to Google image search this! Most of the images are for some nail polish named 'Cracked'. Sigh. |
So, back to my car to fill up until I reached my $10 limit and I was on my way to work. I successfully made it through my first gas station pre-pay transaction in a 'scary' part of town and interacted with coke-heads and big-breasted black men who liked my good manners.
 | |
| Is this too much? ;0) |
 |
| Nuff said. |
 |
| No joke. Wall Street scares me shitless. My 401k is doing what?! I don't get it! |
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Advertisement FAIL or WIN?!?!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Spammers Make Me Laugh, Part 1
I know most people find SPAM to be annoying, but sometimes I find it to be entertaining. And hey, these hard-working spammers deserve some recognition for their hard work, right? ;)
(The original spam is in italics, my comments in bold. Stuff that's just needs attention is underlined)
7And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
8And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
9No lion shall be there, nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon, it shall not be found there; but the redeemed shall walk there:
10And the ransomed of the LORD shall return, and come to Zion with songs and everlasting joy upon their heads: they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
8Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
9Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.
Note to self: Quoting the Bible is great... It doesn't even have to fit into context!
Thank you, spammers!
(The original spam is in italics, my comments in bold. Stuff that's just needs attention is underlined)
Re: Payment Notification
We are writhing to know if it's true that you are DEAD? Yes, capitalize that. Because it might bring me back from the dead. Because we received a notification from one MR. GERSHON SHAPIRO of USA stating that you are DEAD and that you have giving him the right to claim your funds. What funds would those be? He stated you died on a CAR accident. Dying ON a car accident is a terrible way to go. He has been calling us regarding this issue, but we cannot proceed with him until we confirm this by not hearing from you after 7days. I'm glad they won't proceed without solid confirmation.
Be advised that we have made all arrangements for you to receive and confirm your funds without anymore stress, and without any further delays. All we need to confirm now is your been DEAD Or still Alive. These funds, the arrangements are ready to go to me, you say?
Because this MAN'S message brought shock to our minds. How shocking of this MAN! And we just can't proceed with him until we confirm if this is a reality OR not But if it happened we did not hear from you after 7days, then we say: MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PERFECT PEACE" YOUR JOY AND SUCCESS REMAINS OUR GOAL. So, you wish me a successful and joyful death? Cool, thanks.
May the peace of the Lord be with you wherever you may be now.
Your Faitfully,
Mrs Farida Waziri
| Here's another one I received today.... |
Um, pretty sure he wants his money used for a cocoa processing machine!! Is it that hard to honor your dead husband's wishes? Especially after you think his business partners murdered him? Gee, maybe you helped?Mrs. Stephanie Adams.
My Dear one in Christ.
My name is Stephanie Adams the wife of late Mr. Adams Andrew , who served as a director in the Cocoa processing board before his untimely death after a long illness here in a hospital.
Though his death was suspected to be the hand work of his close associates who travelled to France with him shortly before he became ill. But I leave that to the Almighty because i took courage in what the bible said in Isaiah 35:7-10. See below for the actual passage, which of course has nothing to do with murderous business partners....
Before his death, he told me of a deposit of ($12.5 Million US dollars) which he wanted to use for the purchase of cocoa processing machine. This money is presently now in the finance company here in GHANA . We didn't have any children that is my reason for donating this money.
I am presently very ill in a hospital from the Stroke that happened to me shortly after the death of my husband. But if i remember what the Bible said in Ecc.7:8-9, again see below... actually about patience? then my heart is filled with gladness. I also thank God for the help and assistance i receiving from a nurse in the hospital who is also a believer (Nurse Felicia).
I want to donate this money for the service of God and his Children, and i want it to be used like i have said. And i believe God will guide you to achieve this purpose. In every situation, the bible teaches us that it is right to give thanks and praise to God.
Reply me very quickly so that i will inform you of the next step because of my worsening health condition and moreover, i am not worried or afraid of death because the bosom of the Lord is there for those of his children that served him in truth and spirit. Please pray for me.
May the Lord guide and add more anointing upon you.
Yours beloved Sister
Mrs. Stephanie Adams.
Isaiah 35:7-10
King James Version (KJV)
7And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes.
8And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
9No lion shall be there, nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon, it shall not be found there; but the redeemed shall walk there:
10And the ransomed of the LORD shall return, and come to Zion with songs and everlasting joy upon their heads: they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
Ecclesiastes 7:8-9
King James Version (KJV)
8Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
9Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.
Note to self: Quoting the Bible is great... It doesn't even have to fit into context!
Thank you, spammers!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Workplace Bathroom Etiquette Memo
I hate the bathrooms at work for many reasons. It's an awkward place to see, smell and hear your coworkers doing things you'd rather not know about. Besides that, the cleaning guy doesn't seem to clean, so I don't trust the toilets, and really, is it that hard for him to fold down the top of the sani bags in the bins? Otherwise, the gross stuff we're throwing in the bins doesn't make it into the bag, the bins overflow and it makes more work for him.
But because I can't oversee the poor facilities crew (don't even get me started on the break room!... wait that's another topic to cover later!) I'd like to cover a few ground rules for things that should and shouldn't be happening in the restrooms, specifically women's restrooms in corporate world. I'm sure men have similar issues and other tidbits to add.
1) First and foremost, before you even venture to the bathroom, it is your duty to eat food that is actually on the Food Pyramid. (Less of that fats, oils and sweets at the top though). Food that is primarily processed crap will turn into really stinky unnatural crap that creates toxic fumes when you relieve yourself. And really, it's not a relief because your innards are so funked up from that stuff that you call 'food' that you are suffering to get out of your body. And we, those who have the misfortune to walk into the bathroom, suffer too because it is RANK. Really, those quadruple bean and 'beef' tacos are not doing anyone any favors. Not only are you getting fat and clogging your arteries, you are probably destroying the ozone layer with all the gas you emit. Seriously, I want to vomit it smells so bad. EAT REAL FOOD! You know, fruits and veggies and other things that come from nature. Otherwise you spend way too long in the bathroom, and who wants to do that? It should be your aim to get in, get it done and get out. Why linger? It's not a place for meditation so eat real food and it should be easier to get done with this unpleasant process in a more efficient manner.
2) FLUSH IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! This one is important! Don't sit over your pile of stink, choking on the fumes: GET RID OF THE EVIDENCE. Seriously. The sooner it's gone, the sooner the air freshener (if there even IS one) can get back to trying to spritz the invading stench with flowers and other nicer smelling things. I know they call it a 'throne' but your shit is NOT gold and will not turn into gold despite how long you may sit there. I don't care if you have to flush twelve times to get rid of the stuff, but after each 'session', flush that toilet, dammit. Don't even wipe yet, just flush it all away. I know you're "dropping the kids off at the pool" but dammit, this is NOT a carpool and we are NOT waiting for all the kids to pile into the van. This is a pseudo-world where you can make multiple car trips because it SAVES gas or rather saves us from the smell of it.
3) FLUSH OFTEN. I know, the corporate world is really stingy when it comes to buying quality TP, and really, if you're having a disastrous experience, you are going to be suffering from Raw Bottom. But please be aware that not all toilets can handle all your TP cast-offs in one go. So don't clog the crapper. This shout-out is especially important for those who don't flush after going #2 and leave the toilet flooded to capacity with TP, brown and yellow. There is a special place in hell for you.
4) If you are going to hover, lift the seat so you don't pee all over it. Sure, I realize, you don't want your bare thighs (and such) to be in contact with an area that was touched by other people's naughty bits or who knows what; neither do I. But I definitely don't want to sit in a wet zone because you spray like a skunk all over the toilet and I don't want to clean up after you. I also really love (read: hate) when my clothes find your wetspots on the floor. Thanks for that. Hell awaits you too. Really, if you are too good to sit on the seat, either use TP, the seat protectors (not available at my place of employment....cheap people, duh) or lift the seat and hover. And do wipe the bowl after you unsuccessfully aim for the actual toilet bowl. I am not here to clean up after you and neither, apparently, are the facilities people.
5) If after you have dutifully flushed for the last time and you see remains of your defecation in the toilet bowl, flush again. I don't want to walk into a stall and see and smell the remainders of a stinky mess and know that I'm using the toilet after 'that' person. Ew.
6) Also, make sure all your TP made it into the bowl. Surriously. And make sure everything else has made it into the toilet paper. I'm not going to list out the nasty stuff that should make it in there, because it's too close to mealtime, but really, take a last look at the toilet and make it LOOK like it's clean.
7) When you exit the stall, do NOT go for the paper towel dispenser. You hands have been near/in/around your nether regions and are NOT clean. The paper towel dispenser is for hands that have been thoroughly cleaned with soap and water. After exiting to the stall, proceed to the sink. NO EXCEPTIONS. Don't even think about bypassing the sink either. Door handles are also for clean hands only. NO EXCEPTIONS, you dirty pig.
8) Let's save water, friends. Get your soap first, soap up your hands, and then turn on the faucet to a medium level or even a slow trickle. And just enough to get the soap off your hands. Full blast is overkill and little kids in Africa are dying because you're wasting all the clean water while they have to carry a bucket on their head for five miles to get murky water. Sure, the water you waste will probably never get to them, but dammit, don't be an asshole.
9) Get paper towels, but not the whole damn roll. See note above about not wasting natural resources and not being the workplace bunghole. I also prefer to use the paper towel to open the door (I don't trust that you've all washed your hands after doing whatever the hell it is you just did) and then THROW THE PAPER TOWEL IN THE TRASH CAN.
I know these rules probably aren't all that should be mentioned, but I've spent too much time thinking about this and it's gross. These rules really apply anywhere there is a toilet, not just in the workplace. Failure to abide by these rules makes you a disgusting and worthless human being. Remember that, follow these rules and have a nice-smelling day.
P.S. Uh, this should go without saying, but before you commit to a toilet stall, make sure it has enough TP for your undertaking...or you are in for a very awkward experience. Good luck.
But because I can't oversee the poor facilities crew (don't even get me started on the break room!... wait that's another topic to cover later!) I'd like to cover a few ground rules for things that should and shouldn't be happening in the restrooms, specifically women's restrooms in corporate world. I'm sure men have similar issues and other tidbits to add.
1) First and foremost, before you even venture to the bathroom, it is your duty to eat food that is actually on the Food Pyramid. (Less of that fats, oils and sweets at the top though). Food that is primarily processed crap will turn into really stinky unnatural crap that creates toxic fumes when you relieve yourself. And really, it's not a relief because your innards are so funked up from that stuff that you call 'food' that you are suffering to get out of your body. And we, those who have the misfortune to walk into the bathroom, suffer too because it is RANK. Really, those quadruple bean and 'beef' tacos are not doing anyone any favors. Not only are you getting fat and clogging your arteries, you are probably destroying the ozone layer with all the gas you emit. Seriously, I want to vomit it smells so bad. EAT REAL FOOD! You know, fruits and veggies and other things that come from nature. Otherwise you spend way too long in the bathroom, and who wants to do that? It should be your aim to get in, get it done and get out. Why linger? It's not a place for meditation so eat real food and it should be easier to get done with this unpleasant process in a more efficient manner.
2) FLUSH IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! This one is important! Don't sit over your pile of stink, choking on the fumes: GET RID OF THE EVIDENCE. Seriously. The sooner it's gone, the sooner the air freshener (if there even IS one) can get back to trying to spritz the invading stench with flowers and other nicer smelling things. I know they call it a 'throne' but your shit is NOT gold and will not turn into gold despite how long you may sit there. I don't care if you have to flush twelve times to get rid of the stuff, but after each 'session', flush that toilet, dammit. Don't even wipe yet, just flush it all away. I know you're "dropping the kids off at the pool" but dammit, this is NOT a carpool and we are NOT waiting for all the kids to pile into the van. This is a pseudo-world where you can make multiple car trips because it SAVES gas or rather saves us from the smell of it.
3) FLUSH OFTEN. I know, the corporate world is really stingy when it comes to buying quality TP, and really, if you're having a disastrous experience, you are going to be suffering from Raw Bottom. But please be aware that not all toilets can handle all your TP cast-offs in one go. So don't clog the crapper. This shout-out is especially important for those who don't flush after going #2 and leave the toilet flooded to capacity with TP, brown and yellow. There is a special place in hell for you.
4) If you are going to hover, lift the seat so you don't pee all over it. Sure, I realize, you don't want your bare thighs (and such) to be in contact with an area that was touched by other people's naughty bits or who knows what; neither do I. But I definitely don't want to sit in a wet zone because you spray like a skunk all over the toilet and I don't want to clean up after you. I also really love (read: hate) when my clothes find your wetspots on the floor. Thanks for that. Hell awaits you too. Really, if you are too good to sit on the seat, either use TP, the seat protectors (not available at my place of employment....cheap people, duh) or lift the seat and hover. And do wipe the bowl after you unsuccessfully aim for the actual toilet bowl. I am not here to clean up after you and neither, apparently, are the facilities people.
5) If after you have dutifully flushed for the last time and you see remains of your defecation in the toilet bowl, flush again. I don't want to walk into a stall and see and smell the remainders of a stinky mess and know that I'm using the toilet after 'that' person. Ew.
6) Also, make sure all your TP made it into the bowl. Surriously. And make sure everything else has made it into the toilet paper. I'm not going to list out the nasty stuff that should make it in there, because it's too close to mealtime, but really, take a last look at the toilet and make it LOOK like it's clean.
7) When you exit the stall, do NOT go for the paper towel dispenser. You hands have been near/in/around your nether regions and are NOT clean. The paper towel dispenser is for hands that have been thoroughly cleaned with soap and water. After exiting to the stall, proceed to the sink. NO EXCEPTIONS. Don't even think about bypassing the sink either. Door handles are also for clean hands only. NO EXCEPTIONS, you dirty pig.
8) Let's save water, friends. Get your soap first, soap up your hands, and then turn on the faucet to a medium level or even a slow trickle. And just enough to get the soap off your hands. Full blast is overkill and little kids in Africa are dying because you're wasting all the clean water while they have to carry a bucket on their head for five miles to get murky water. Sure, the water you waste will probably never get to them, but dammit, don't be an asshole.
9) Get paper towels, but not the whole damn roll. See note above about not wasting natural resources and not being the workplace bunghole. I also prefer to use the paper towel to open the door (I don't trust that you've all washed your hands after doing whatever the hell it is you just did) and then THROW THE PAPER TOWEL IN THE TRASH CAN.
I know these rules probably aren't all that should be mentioned, but I've spent too much time thinking about this and it's gross. These rules really apply anywhere there is a toilet, not just in the workplace. Failure to abide by these rules makes you a disgusting and worthless human being. Remember that, follow these rules and have a nice-smelling day.
P.S. Uh, this should go without saying, but before you commit to a toilet stall, make sure it has enough TP for your undertaking...or you are in for a very awkward experience. Good luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)