Now Hiring!

I can't pay you, but the joy of keeping me alive should be enough motivation for you to want to be my personal chef. I don't eat much, but I do eat often. Every two hours or so. I can't eat anything spicy and I don't usually like anything fancy. I expect you to somehow know what my sensitive stomach can handle at any given point as well as when I need to be fed.

I've know for a while that it would behoove me to have someone prepare all my meals for me. In fact today was a prime example. I think breakfast and lunch were more or less normal. But my snack causes me some concern. I started eating cucumbers with ranch dressing but it wasn't so great. And as I was looking at the hard-boiled egg I was about to crack open, I knew it wasn't a great idea. Two bites in and I wanted to put it down. And then I ate a spoonful of chocolate frosting which was very yummy but a horrible addition to what I had just forced down.

So I decided to take a walk and proceeded to make my way around the block of corporate hell while waddling like a drunken gangsta Oompa Loompa: kinda slow and with a gimp, trying to not explode. Didn't help that prior to the walk, the Russian lady in the break room had left her food smell of tuna and then when I returned it was burnt popcorn all the way.

And when I stopped in the bathroom, both rolls of toilet paper were new and not started and were too big to roll in the dispenser, so I attacked them like a kitten trying out her claws, while trying to make sure my cell phone stayed under my shirt straps as it chimed out my text message sound of Bill and Ted saying "Excellent" followed by an awesome guitar riff. Wow, um that was a really long sentence and I'm sorry. But I blame it on the blood sugar. And my awesome life. If my life wasn't so awesome, I couldn't write about it.

Other things important enough to mention (yes VERY important)... If I could only choose only Johnny Depp character as my favorite it would have to be him as the River Pirate in Chocolat. Which  Johnny would you choose? I would say Captain Jack, but I don't share my rum.

Okay, on a level of 1 to hilarious. I rate this blog 2. Sorry for letting you down. I guess I should only write before I gorge myself on weird foods. Speaking of food, the person in the cube behind me is eating chips and salsa and, even though I'm still stuffed, the idea is delicious... hopefully there will be some chips and salsa to devour during the holiday weekend. Speaking of which, have a safe and happy time celebrating the holiday in which we gained our independence from Britain by using different tribes of Native Americans pitted against each other... and then further taking away their independence by putting them on reservations. Poopy truth.

But seriously, have a safe and joyous holiday!

Picture from: https://mysite.wsu.edu/personal/mtamez/calaboz/default.aspx
Please visit the above site to be educated on something really cool! Found it thanks to Google images :) Peace out!