Workplace Bathroom Etiquette Memo

I hate the bathrooms at work for many reasons. It's an awkward place to see, smell and hear your coworkers doing things you'd rather not know about. Besides that, the cleaning guy doesn't seem to clean, so I don't trust the toilets, and really, is it that hard for him to fold down the top of the sani bags in the bins? Otherwise, the gross stuff we're throwing in the bins doesn't make it into the bag, the bins overflow and it makes more work for him.

But because I can't oversee the poor facilities crew (don't even get me started on the break room!... wait that's another topic to cover later!) I'd like to cover a few ground rules for things that should and shouldn't be happening in the restrooms, specifically women's restrooms in corporate world. I'm sure men have similar issues and other tidbits to add.

1) First and foremost, before you even venture to the bathroom, it is your duty to eat food that is actually on the Food Pyramid. (Less of that fats, oils and sweets at the top though). Food that is primarily processed crap will turn into really stinky unnatural crap that creates toxic fumes when you relieve yourself. And really, it's not a relief because your innards are so funked up from that stuff that you call 'food' that you are suffering to get out of your body. And we, those who have the misfortune to walk into the bathroom, suffer too because it is RANK. Really, those quadruple bean and 'beef' tacos are not doing anyone any favors. Not only are you getting fat and clogging your arteries, you are probably destroying the ozone layer with all the gas you emit. Seriously, I want to vomit it smells so bad. EAT REAL FOOD! You know, fruits and veggies and other things that come from nature. Otherwise you spend way too long in the bathroom, and who wants to do that? It should be your aim to get in, get it done and get out. Why linger? It's not a place for meditation so eat real food and it should be easier to get done with this unpleasant process in a more efficient manner.

2) FLUSH IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! This one is important! Don't sit over your pile of stink, choking on the fumes: GET RID OF THE EVIDENCE. Seriously. The sooner it's gone, the sooner the air freshener (if there even IS one) can get back to trying to spritz the invading stench with flowers and other nicer smelling things. I know they call it a 'throne'  but your shit is NOT gold and will not turn into gold despite how long you may sit there. I don't care if you have to flush twelve times to get rid of the stuff, but after each 'session', flush that toilet, dammit. Don't even wipe yet, just flush it all away. I know you're "dropping the kids off at the pool" but dammit, this is NOT a carpool and we are NOT waiting for all the kids to pile into the van. This is a pseudo-world where you can make multiple car trips because it SAVES gas or rather saves us from the smell of it.

3) FLUSH OFTEN. I know, the corporate world is really stingy when it comes to buying quality TP, and really, if you're having a disastrous experience, you are going to be suffering from Raw Bottom. But please be aware that not all toilets can handle all your TP cast-offs in one go. So don't clog the crapper. This shout-out is especially important for those who don't flush after going #2 and leave the toilet flooded to capacity with TP, brown and yellow. There is a special place in hell for you.

4) If you are going to hover, lift the seat so you don't pee all over it. Sure, I realize, you don't want your bare thighs (and such) to be in contact with an area that was touched by other people's naughty bits or who knows what; neither do I. But I definitely don't want to sit in a wet zone because you spray like a skunk all over the toilet and I don't want to clean up after you. I also really love (read: hate) when my clothes find your wetspots on the floor. Thanks for that. Hell awaits you too. Really, if you are too good to sit on the seat, either use TP, the seat protectors (not available at my place of employment....cheap people, duh) or lift the seat and hover. And do wipe the bowl after you unsuccessfully aim for the actual toilet bowl. I am not here to clean up after you and neither, apparently, are the facilities people.

5) If after you have dutifully flushed for the last time and you see remains of your defecation in the toilet bowl, flush again. I don't want to walk into a stall and see and smell the remainders of a stinky mess and know that I'm using the toilet after 'that' person. Ew.

6) Also, make sure all your TP made it into the bowl. Surriously. And make sure everything else has made it into the toilet paper. I'm not going to list out the nasty stuff that should make it in there, because it's too close to mealtime, but really, take a last look at the toilet and make it LOOK like it's clean.

7) When you exit the stall, do NOT go for the paper towel dispenser. You hands have been near/in/around your nether regions and are NOT clean. The paper towel dispenser is for hands that have been thoroughly cleaned with soap and water. After exiting to the stall, proceed to the sink. NO EXCEPTIONS. Don't even think about bypassing the sink either. Door handles are also for clean hands only. NO EXCEPTIONS, you dirty pig.

8) Let's save water, friends. Get your soap first, soap up your hands, and then turn on the faucet to a medium level or even a slow trickle. And just enough to get the soap off your hands. Full blast is overkill and little kids in Africa are dying because you're wasting all the clean water while they have to carry a bucket on their head for five miles to get murky water. Sure, the water you waste will probably never get to them, but dammit, don't be an asshole.

9) Get paper towels, but not the whole damn roll. See note above about not wasting natural resources and not being the workplace bunghole. I also prefer to use the paper towel to open the door (I don't trust that you've all washed your hands after doing whatever the hell it is you just did) and then THROW THE PAPER TOWEL IN THE TRASH CAN.


I know these rules probably aren't all that should be mentioned, but I've spent too much time thinking about this and it's gross. These rules really apply anywhere there is a toilet, not just in the workplace. Failure to abide by these rules makes you a disgusting and worthless human being. Remember that, follow these rules and have a nice-smelling day.


P.S. Uh, this should go without saying, but before you commit to a toilet stall, make sure it has enough TP for your undertaking...or you are in for a very awkward experience. Good luck.